okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
