Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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