You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
