I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the condom got lost in my hair
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
