if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
