You can't motorboat a personality
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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