I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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