he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize