I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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