Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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