dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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