I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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