Jerry, you need to find god
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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