the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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