just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
