she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
