FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
