My liver just broke up with me...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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