i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
