so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
