I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
