Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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