ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
