Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
