i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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