My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
