I met the friendliest cop last night
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
