i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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