How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
