I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
