Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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