Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
porn star boner night. come get it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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