is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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