In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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