I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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