Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
