now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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