i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
