after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
