I think I died a long time ago.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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