just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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