Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
