Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
