Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
