he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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