She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
