I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
