I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
