i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
