I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize