My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
