I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
