Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
